Who am I?

Who are you? Is this a difficult question to answer? If someone was to ask me that, I would say "I'm Dhyana." Easy enough right? But who am I deep down? Who am I under the name? I have no idea.

I had a child very young, right out of high school. My parents, who were divorced, were not interested in helping me. They told me I made a horrible decision and they would not support it. My father chipped in financially every now and then, mostly letting me live under his roof. However I always worked, always paid my own bills and provided food and diapers for my child. My father would move in to a new girlfriend's house every year or so at which point I would find someone else's couch to crash on breifly. I jumped from house to house, state to state, and eventualy landed in a homeless shelter. Long story short, I pulled myself out of the slump, went to shool, got a job and my own apartment. I was exhausted, but at least I had everything under control. It took me 7 years to get there. I had a 7 year old child at that point. Then I met my wonderful husband. If it wasnt for him, I dont think I would have been able to keep this all up. He has been a tremendous help over the years. He is very loving and supportive.  So where's the problem?

I have dont nothing but tried to keep my head above water and stay alive. I was in "survival mode" for long that when I finally emerged, the stress was embedded in my soul. I had a rough childhood, teenage years, and young adulthood. Tension and stress exist in the very core of my being, it will be there forever. Now that I am recently unemployed, and will be for some time, I have had time to tbhink about myself. I have no idea who I am. I've never had time to think about it, and now I'm at a total loss. This is terrifying. I feel like I'm stuck in a pit and every time I try to crawl out I sink back in. I see things I want and they're all out of reach. Sometimes I get the things I thought I wanted and then I realize I dont want them. And the I wonder "Why did I want this in the first place?" I have no idea, I cant figure it out. I feel lost and aimless. Someone out there has help for me. I just need to find them.

2014 up and running

    2014 is a quarter way through. I am jobless and have nothing on the horizon. I cant figure out if this is a failure or an accomplishment. My last job was horrible, so in that respect it's an accomplishment. But where do I go from here? I don't want another job, which is absolutely ridiculous. I'm not rich, so I will need to work unless I want to be on the street. I'm fine with working, I just don't want another horrible job. That seems like too much to ask. Actually having a good job, that is fulfilling and enjoyable? I must be dreaming. That kind of job only exists for someone more fortunate than me. I will never be that lucky. I am already lucky to have a loving husband and a brilliant child. So having a job that I enjoy is asking for too much.

   I just want to contribute to society. More specifically, the less fortunate members of society. I have no money to give, but I have time and compassion. I have some brain power, not a ton, but a little. I have understanding and desire to make people's lives easier. I feel like I'm wasting my time and my life by not using these things to the best of my ability. But where do you begin? I am blissfully unemployed for the time being. Money is tight, of course, but I have never felt better about not having a job. So now is the time. There are lots of volunteer opportunities but I would like to do something useful. I'm sure there is a church group somewhere who would like help painting their church's exterior. Or an elementary school who needs help loading and unloading books for their book drive. But it doesn't seem too meaningful. More church members and parents should step up for that job. I want something that is in desperate need, and involves real people that need real help.

   I know what its like to be a single teenage mother. It was the hardest thing I've ever done. And I did it alone. Somewhere out there is a girl in the same situation. Somewhere there is a person who's ready to throw themselves off a cliff because no one is there for them. Somewhere someone is in a gutter with a needle in their arm. I don't think I am "better" than volunteering to paint a church. But those desperate people mean more to me. I don't know them, but I care about them. It seems selfish not to help them. But how do you find them? You don't walk down the street and ask random people of they need assistance. Do you?